I get back up

In this last few moments things have changed. I feel like I'm going to fail. Like I am going to work and work and work and in the end I will come up short. It happens I guess, just to me this time. So I've decided. I'm going to move my life forward and get back those dreams that I once decided to put off. I can't say it will be worth it. That in the end I will be glad that I have them back. But I can say that no matter what happens I'll be glad that I gave them up for that time. That I was open to other possibilities. Because if I hadn't done that, I don't know who I would be. I learned the most important thing to me and I learned that I was willing to give everything up to have it.
And yes I am temporarally with out that one thing. But this feeling, of it being gone, of having to worry if it will ever be back, will in the end make having it so much better.
So for now. I must step forward. I will search again and I will find, I have no doubt about that. And to start I must first get back up.

Breathe By Alexi Murdoch

I was listening to the radio this morning and after having a huge fuck up this weekend it really helped me...


In the quiet of the shadow
In the corner of a room
Darkness moves upon you
Like a cloud across the moon
You're a-wearing all the silence
Of a constant that will turn
Like the windmill left deserted
Or the sun forever burn
So don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
Your whole life is here
No eleventh hour reprieve
So don't forget to breathe
Keep your head above water
But don't forget to breathe
And all the suffering that you've witnessed
And the hand prints on the wall
They remind you how it's endless
How endlessly you fall
And the answer that you're seeking
For the question that you found
Drives you further to confusion
As you lose your sense of ground
So don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
Your whole life is here
No eleventh hour reprieve
So don't forget to breathe
Keep your head above water
But don't forget to breathe
Breathe....
Don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
You know you are here
But you find you want to leave
So don't forget to... breathe
Just breathe
Just breathe
Just breathe...
Just breathe...
Just breathe...

random things I feel I have learned about myself

1. I usually never ask for anything unless it is really important to me
2. I give and like giving but even more I love getting
3. When I'm mad I don't want to talk
4. Sleep is my escape from life
5. I'm straight
6. I like to look good but hate taking the extra effort to look beautiful
7. Feel good when helping people
8. Deep down I'm still a flirt
9. Have trouble moving on
10. Need more than I think I do
11. Feel like I don't deserve much
12. I can't spell to save my life
13. ...
14. I'm naive
15. I can sing
16. I am never going to have any more free time than I do right now
17. Don't tell me what to do, I won't do it, ASK
18. It has to be the most perfect it can be or its not the right time
19. I wish I stood up for myself
20. (to be cont.)

Life would be easier if I were a robot

No sleep, no food, no bathroom breaks. oh and not to mention I would be able to take in every little bit of information learned at the drop of the hat.

And yes I know there is the whole thing with morals and personality. To that I say, fuck robots i wanna laugh.

So basically I don't win either way. But the idea of a robot with a personality and needing nothing and just being would be fucking wonderful.




But I can't help but wonder what would happen to all the farmers and ranchers out there; would they change the cows too?

Love's Philosophy by Percy Bysshe Shelley

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the Ocean,
The winds of Heaven mix for ever
With a sweet Emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle.
Why not I with thine? -

See the mountains kiss high Heaven
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth
And the moonbeams kiss the sea:
What is all this sweet work worth
If thou kiss not me?

If only I knew what was needed
to fill the empty gaps

to cause a rupture
an explosion
an implosion of warmth

Flow in to each crevace
each dent and crack

to find the miniscule places
where something lacks

Oh to find this something
and pour it inside
fill up with heat
to live one more night

Reward

I see life as simple. Yes a rough patch or two...or a million may happen but when thinking about life there is only one thing that a person truly achieves or would want to achieve. Reward. However large or small a reward is still what it is. A sense of accomplishment and success. A reward means that a person can move one step farther along in their journey of life. That they are on their way through. Which leads me into the hugest reward the average human being thinks about, life after death. I have to admitt that I am highly skeptical of this theory for many reasons but that is a topic for another day.

But in essence for each good deed a person does they are looking for what they concider to be the ultimate reward. Though it may have its perks seeing as you would get to exist for ever in what would seem to be a paradise, I do not see it that way. I see a long long time spend thinking of what could possibly be done with endless time. Really, I mean who needs it. That is why there is a theory of my own for the greatest reward.

To me this reward could never be greater than having that eternal life. It is a smile. Not just any smile though, a smile that means something, that tells you that you have truly brightened up that persons day, a smile that says 'I am glad I know/have known/met You!'. Because with this smile I know that the reason I live was to do that. Be there for that one day and make that person truly happy. To me that is much more than recieving the selfish reward of bordom.

When did being agnostic become a mistake?

"We won't make the same mistake twice."
This is what my mother stated to my brother, the unnerving thing is that she was looking right at me. So yes I decided that I am not a Catholic is that such a hard thing to wrap your brain around. I live my own life and I see things, some good and some bad, and it is all to much a sugar coated shit whole for there to be this thing called eternal life.
In reality if there was a savior and he or she came this moment a fairly large portion of the world, lets say 99% would be fucked.
It is not that I don't care for people who believe in doing good for a reward and who have such strong faith. Infact I admire those that do. In order to have faith in something with such a passion is only a thing I can dream of.

But back to my original point.

Is it really wrong to think for ones self. Lets say my parents were athiest and I decided to attend church one day. would that really be so bad. It is not that I am doing it to be different that them it is because I want to believe for my self and if some day I am confermed then so be it.

Future

11:11
Maybe this is a good time to finally start doing some college research.
As I slide the latch back on my computer and open the screen I realise that I have yet to think about whay kind of school would interest me. A small liberal arts college might be fun. I could see the plays they put on each year and be able to meet people that are enthused about the performing arts as I some times am. Or I could go to a larger college, one that I could end up going unnoticed, invisible. It would give me time to focus on my studies, work through my boyfriend troubles, and have a job. But whats the college experience without a few parties now and then.
*click, click*
Open internet explorer. I should really look into getting a mac. I hope my baby doesn't crash again. Maybe I'll get a snack.
Okay good, its loaded.
"So Puppy, where should I start?"
My dogs name is Bridget, she's about 9 years old but responds better when you call her 'puppy'.
*click, click, click...www.google.com*
humph
there could have been a sigh or two in there
lets see what my options are.
I quickly type in 'colleges in minneosta' hoping something useful will appear and I get lucky, though not in the sense that the 'get lucky' phrase is normally used. The fourth cite seems to be what I am looking for.
Nevermind, mostly community colleges. There is not anything wrong with them, they are just not for me or my parents for that matter.
Back to google. What if I add 'private' in front of the previous search. Yup that seems to work. again the fourth cite appears promising, lets try again.
A Hit. St Kate's, St Thomas, St Ben's. I might like those.
I give a little inside laugh, who names a college Bethany Lutheran College. Its basicall like saying. I'm and ugly fat minister, come and see what its all about. For a while I feel bad for thinking this, I know a nice girl with that name but come on, it means 'house of figs'. There not such an atractive fruit.
After that diversion of thought I type in St Ben's in Google.
The school looks nice. Though all girls, thats what St John's is for. I like boys, there a lot easier to talk to, especially if it is necessary to rant to someone, and you dont want them to remember everything.
Tuition is not so horrible, that is what jobs are for, to pay for things. And a pool, thats a plus. oh, and I could work in the theater department. I am so almost sold. What do we have for majors?
(to be cont.)

Death

There are no more worries to life than that of death
why cant a person forget
musn't a child fully accept life before they can understand the concept of death
and why does it have to be so bad
it is just natural and every plant and animal does it
no one cries for them
why are we so special
who is even to say that death exists
what if we all live on
in an alternate universe
not a heaven but another universe
wouldnt that be wonderful

untitled

If I come to that end
will I know that I am there?
And should I fall over the edge
can I say they cared?
Because with journey good
and dancing fair
ignorance partakes in all.